Jess is gone to Topeka for three days for a sustainable agriculture conference or something. I miss her company. Things aren't going extremely well; I'm having a difficult managing my time and getting things done. In my 11:30 class I got my midterm back; there were two parts: B and B-. Okay, but I have to keep a 3.75 GPA to keep my scholarship. I figured out I need to get at least two As and three Bs. I've never done worse than more than one B in a semester, but I think this one will be hard to pull off. This stressed me out and I went back to my room and just wept, not about the grade but about my complete brokenness and need for wholeness and purpose through Christ.
I took the night off from work. After my 2:30 class I went to Radina's to spend some time with my Lord and read John Piper's Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ. Chapter 3 was relatively brief, and it talked about Christ as a lamb-like lion and a lion-like lamb. I took a journal with me to write down my prayer. The end of the chapter had a really good prayer, so I copied down part of it as well:
Almighty and merciful God, we exult in the reflection of your might and mercy in your Son, our Lord, Jesus Christ. . . .Grant us, in our brokenness and fear, to gather courage from the lion-like Lamb. Oh, how we need the whole Christ! Open our eyes to see the fullness of his excellence. Remove the lopsided and distorted images of your Son that weaken our worship and lame our obedience. May the power of the Lion and the love of the Lamb make our faith in Christ unshakable. So deliver us from small dreams and timid ventures and halting plans. Embolden us. Strengthen us. Make us love with fierce and humble love. Let us share the confidence of the Lion of Judah that gave him the will to die like a Lamb and rise in everlasting joy. . . .Grant that all might see the glory of Christ and that you might be honored through him.
I long so much for more than my current state. I long to learn to love other people, to serve them and show them Christ. I long to find healing in my Redeemer. I've been saved; how do I allow myself to be healed? Why does it feel like it's taking so long? Now, but not yet. The Lord has provided me with two wonderful women in my life to encourage and comfort me. What love. I praise God for He is good. He provides for my needs.