02 October 2007

You Bother Me.

*Sigh.* - I'm at a loss for words.

I was at a loss for words, but they're starting to come to me. So, now you get to here about my not-so-great day.

I worked this morning; not too bad, but getting up at 6am isn't always the easiest task. I was scheduled to work in the dining room, but Kayla let me serve. Some guy from my floor was surprised to see me serving (I guess he always only sees me checking) and said, "What? Is this a promotion? Or did you get in trouble? Oh, you got in trouble." I just gave him his food. Though it was sometimes a theory of mine when I used to have to work dining room every time, you don't get scheduled to work in certain spots based on your performance. I don't get to check because Ed likes me more than everyone else, and I don't serve when he's in a bad mood. So, my advice: if you see your friend (or someone you know) at work, don't make some stupid comment trying to be funny. You're being a jerk. At least they have a job, you probably don't. Be mature.
It was breakfast as usual, and I got back to my dorm room shortly after 10am. My Starry Night poster was once again on the ground. So was my mirror that had its place on the wall below Starry Night. The mirror wasn't broken. But the entire glass plate in the frame was shattered. My vacuum wasn't working properly because of all the hair in it (I shed pretty bad; I hate it) so I had to take it apart with a screwdriver and cut it out. I also grabbed a wet wipe and cleaned off the dirt and junk inside of it; it was gross. Then I vacuumed, so it's probably safe to go shoe-less now.
I needed to get homework done today, but I took a nap. It didn't get done. I'll be up late tonight doing it. I went and got my interview done with the Rodeo Club coach, so I can probably sit down and finish my articles. They're due in about a week and a half. I grabbed Dashers after doing the interview so I could multi-task and eat and do homework at the same time. I was trying to put the lid on my cup of skim milk at Dashers when it tipped over. I spilled milk all over the table that has the teas/coffees/creamers. It was 16 oz., running all over the floor. I walked back up to the line to tell Aaron (who was supervising) that I had just dumped my milk. Fortunately, he came over pretty quickly to clean it up. I told him I was sorry and I left. I stared at the floor because I wanted to cry. (Yeah, yeah. "No use crying over split milk." I didn't feel bad about the milk, I felt bad about making a mess and creating more work for Aaron. It was embarrassing, too.)

This morning I got an e-mail from my dad with the subject line: It Bothers Me. Great. You know an e-mail like that can't be good. He said it bothers him how I act like Karen (his wife, my stepmom; if you didn't know) doesn't exists or is invisible. "I sure wish your relationship with each other was more relaxed," he wrote. I wrote him back and said I must be doing these things subconsciously because I like Karen, and don't do anything intentionally to make her think otherwise. My dad always says Karen doesn't complain about my actions, that it's just things he notices and maybe he's afraid she's too nice to say anything. He wrote me back with a list of things I do wrong, including: "When you arrive or see us, you do not say "Hi". - When you are leaving, you do not say "Bye". - When you talk about something, you talk almost exclusively to me. You seldom speak directly to Karen or even look at her when you are talking. - You do not appear to be comfortable or relaxed when you are with us. - It appears that you leave at the first opportunity."
He also said that Karen has told him she was disappointed that it seems like Erica and I haven't accepted her. I didn't write back (I think arguing with my dad is pointless), but I just feel like defending myself.

First of all, I do say "hi" and "bye" when I go over to and leave from their house. I don't know where he gets that. Maybe he just doesn't hear me. I went over there Saturday afternoon and when I left Karen said "bye" and then I said "bye" and as I was walking out my dad said "see ya!" really loud as if I never said bye in the first place. I said "see ya" back. I guess he doesn't hear me; that's the only explanation I can come up with.
As for who I talk to, yeah, I agree I probably speak directly to my dad. He's known me my entire life, and I guess I assume he'd be more interested in what I'm doing. This assumption is probably wrong; I'm sure Karen cares, too, but I guess I'm just in the habit of talking to my dad. My bad.
Do I feel uncomfortable/unrelaxed around them? Yeah. Let's try "I don't fit in." Let's try "sometimes when I tell my dad things it doesn't seem like he cares to listen" or "it's weird seeing him being so loving to Karen when I rarely saw him do that when he was married to my mom."
Why do I leave at the 'first opportunity'? Maybe because I'm a college kid, and just because I come home on the weekend doesn't mean I have all the time in the world to stand around and make small talk and watch TV. I have stuff to do. I'm trying to graduate in three years. I'm bored because I feel like I just walked in and interrupted your lives so I might as well be going now...
Well hey, Dad, you know what bothers me? That you think I don't like Karen. I do like her; she seems really nice. You know what else bothers me? That you act like you expect us to be best friends, to share secrets and talk for hours. I don't even do that with Mom. Maybe you've been with Karen every day for the last year and a half plus the year or so you dated. I rarely saw her when you were dating (I was a busy high school student and athlete, remember?). Then you married her. The day after my high school graduation. How could I forget? That summer it was Geoff who stayed with you. Erica and I spent the entire summer at Mom's house, because you didn't have anywhere for us to stay over there at your house. Then I went to college. I was gone for a year. Last summer I stayed at mom's again and worked. You rarely invited me over for dinner, and I had to hear mom complain about how you didn't help out enough with the cost of feeding me (like taking care of me is a burden). Now I'm back at college. So, save a few evenings for dinner and lunches and a few days on BAK, I haven't spent any time with Karen. I don't know her. I haven't been around her like you have.
And if my actions have come across as cold and distant, I'm sorry. Relationships with others is not a strong point of mine. There aren't a ton of people I'm really close to, even some of the people I've grown up with hardly know who I really am.
I feel like I just disappoint you all the time. I hate asking you for money even when I really need it. I can't constantly remind you of the scholarships I've earned and how much money I'll save getting out of here a year early. I don't want to have to prove myself, I don't want you to think differently of me based on my actions or performance. This is just who I am. That e-mail subject might as well have been "You Bother Me."

I wouldn't ask for things to change. My family has never been one to openly show love. We don't hug (except now my mom does when I leave for college), we don't say 'I love you' (well, rarely). And I wouldn't ask for anything different. I wouldn't ask for my parents to hold me or to rub my back or to encourage me, because it'd be weird. It'd be weird because it never was that way, so if it were any different now it just wouldn't seem genuine.

But I'm a human, and I need love. I can go entire days without having a personal conversation with someone else, weeks without talking to someone about how things are really going, months without physical touch. You'd think the absence of these things would cause immunity; I would grow numb to the need. That's not the case. It hurts not having these things. But I don't want to be the girl going around acting needy, relying on other people to make her feel whole. At Navs last week Kyle talked about God's ability to provide for us relationally. Of course I trust in His ability to do that, but sometimes I wonder how/if he's doing that for me. Lately it seems like some of the people I loved the most have been pulled away, and here I am. I know God's love is enough, but here I am wishing I just had something tangible, because my parents can tell me they love me but sometimes it feels like "well, you have to; you're my parents." I'm not the best at relationships, I'm not the best at opening up to people and letting them get close, but I realize I need it. And maybe this is why I don't feel ready to date, because dating relationships seem to be a whole other level, a different kind of love. This need for basic friendship love needs to be met first before romantic love gets a turn.

Wow, that's a lot. Those words kind of poured out there, sorry. I didn't even plan on writing today, except for "*sigh.*" So, it'll be a late night getting work done. KSU v. KU game is this weekend. Lacie will be in town, and Audra probably. Jamie wants to come visit me next week to go to Bakery Science Club. I feel bad because I haven't been going (2/5 I think), but at least it's a flexible club and they don't really care. Um, day 215. Hasta luego.


Menard said...

Dang. It's hard to follow up with a comment after that. I'm glad you got that off your chest; sometimes, that's what you need. I hope you have a better day today. Keep being an amazing person, Alyssa. :]

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